Feminist Friday: Boundaries
Friday, September 12, 2014
Photo Credit: http://renez.deviantart.com/art/Common-Boundary-112153118
Boundaries
Or the 5 dating dealbreakers I’m holding myself publicly accountable for.
- Sexism
This doesn’t just apply to substance abuse. I don’t care what the addiction is, whether it’s drugs, or video games, or sex, or social media…whatever. Addiction to anything is a dealbreaker for me because it signifies a psychological cry for help and a refusal to seek the help that’s so desperately needed.
Lying is unacceptable, obviously, but I won’t tolerate dishonesty in it’s other forms either: keeping secrets, hiding/downplaying feelings, and even white lies. Love can’t exist without the truth, the whole truth. There’s a lot of fear and vulnerability in being honest, but if you’re too afraid to be vulnerable then you’re too afraid to have an honest life and an honest relationship, and I won’t settle for anything less.
Take responsibility for your actions. Seriously. Stop making excuses or putting the blame on anyone other than yourself. I’m not saying everything is always your fault, but recognize and own up to your part. If you say you’re going to be somewhere or do something, be there and do it. Don’t be a flake. And if you don’t like the way something is going in your life, change it. You’re not helpless. If you mess up, apologize without making excuses for why you messed up. Honestly, there is nothing more unattractive than someone who refuses to take responsibility for his actions, decisions, and life in general.
Out of all my dating dealbreakers, this one is probably the most important and also the most often disregarded in my dating life. I’m oversensitive. I feel deeply, not only my own emotions, but the emotions of everyone around me. Violent scenes in movies are physically painful for me. Therefore, in the past, I’ve typically been drawn toward guys who approach emotion from a logical and rational perspective or (in extreme cases) a cruel indifference. I’m ashamed of my oversensitivity, so I try to fix this part of myself by dating guys who are completely insensitive and either refuse or don’t know how to express empathy. But, of course, I only wind up miserable and shattered in a million pieces. I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting myself as the deeply sensitive, extremely empathetic person I am, and have little tolerance for people who refuse to hold respect for other’s emotions and have grown wary of people who try to “fix” or rationalize an emotional situation rather than letting me feel it out for myself. You have a right to your opinion, but you don’t have a right to think your opinion is the rule. If I want your advice, I don’t have a problem asking for it, but otherwise, have some respect and let me be me.
This list isn’t set in stone. It’s bound to change or grow or shrink over time as experience makes me either more or less accepting of certain behaviors, but for now these 5 things are the first set of dating dealbreakers I’ve ever had. And I’m sharing them here to keep myself accountable when I decide I’m ready to start dating again.
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