I'll Make a Man Out of You

Monday, September 01, 2014

Photo Credit: http://shtut.deviantart.com/art/Mulan-332632056

I'll Make a Man Out of You

The movie script as transcribed by Ash Ketchem, originally found here.


Mulan:
Okay. Okay, how about this: [in a deep voice] Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong. [She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the ground.]
Khan rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.
Mulan:
I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.
Mushu:
[covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Mulan can see is his giant shadow.] Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"
Mulan:
Aughhh!
Mushu:
That's close enough!
Mulan:
A ghost!
Mushu:
Get ready, Mulan, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade! [He glances down at Crickee, who is making finger-shadows of a dragon's head, and kicks him.] C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me. [To Mulan] So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.
Mulan:
Who are you?
Mushu:
Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu.
Mulan stares at the tiny dragon for a moment.
Mushu:
Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh? [Immediately Khan steps all over him.]
Mulan:
My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?
Mushu:
Hey, dragon, dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue-thing.
Mulan:
You're ... um ...
Mushu:
Intimidating? All inspiring?
Mulan:
Tiny!
Mushu:
Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright. [Khan tries to chomp him.] DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor. Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis-
Mulan:
Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.
Mushu:
Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that? [Mulan nods]. Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Crickee, get the bags! [To Khan] Let's move it heifer!
At the Moo-Shung Camp
Mushu:
Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!
Mushu:
[They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses] Beautiful, isn't it.
Mulan:
They're disgusting.
Mushu:
No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.
Recruit:
Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!
Yow:
Hmmm ... [punches the recruit]
Ling:
[laughing] I hope you can get your money back!
Mulan:
I don't think I can do this ...
Mushu:
It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!
Yow:
[spits] What are you looking at?
Mushu:
Punch him. It's how men say hello. [Mulan punches Yow; he slams into Chien Po.]
Chien Po:
Oh, Yow! You've made a friend!
Mushu:
Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that. (Mulan slaps Yow.)
Yao:
Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Chien Po:
[picks up Yow] Yow, relax and chant with me.
Yao:
errrrrgh ....
Chien Po:
nanuami tofu dah ...
Yao:
nonuamitofudah.
Chien Po:
Feel better?
Yao:
nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken boy.
Mushu:
Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
Yao:
Rrraaaaghhh! [Grabs Mulan and punches; she ducks and he punches Ling three times.] Oh, sorry Ling. Hey! [reaches down to catch Mulan from crawling away, and Ling kicks him into Chien Po, then attacks with a flying side kick. They start fighting, with Chien Po swiping to get them off. Mulan scrambles away.]
Ling:
Hey! There he goes! [They chase Mulan through a tent, and the Gang of Three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Chien Po knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Mulan.]
Mulan:
Hey, guys ...
Inside the Captain's Tent
General:
The Huns have struck here, here, and here. I will take the main troops up to the Tung Chow Pass and stop Shan Yu before he destroys this village.
Chi Fu:
Excellent strategy, sir! I do love surprises.
General:
[to Lee Shang] You will stay and train the new recruits. When Chi Fu believes you're ready, you will join us ... Captain.
Shang:
Captain?
Chi Fu:
Oh! This is an enormous responsibility, General! Perhaps a soldier with more experience?
General:
Number one in his class, extensive knowledge of training techniques ... an impressive military linuage ... I believe Lee Shang will do an excellent job.
Shang:
Oh I will! I won't let you down! This is... I mean... Yes sir.
General:
Very good, then. We'll toast China's victory at the Imperial City. I'll expect a full report in three weeks.
Chi Fu:
And believe me, I won't leave anything out.
Shang:
Captain Lee Shang. Leader of China's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time. [They step outside]
Chi Fu:
Most impressive.
General:
Good luck, Captain! Yah! [He rides off, followed by two lines of soldiers on horses.]
Shang:
Good luck ... Father.
Chi Fu:
Day one.
Shang:
Soldiers!
Soldiers separate, revealing a cowering Mulan
Soldiers:
HE started it!
Shang:
[to Mulan] I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp.
Mulan:
Sorry ... [in a deep voice] I mean, sorry you had to say that. But you know what it is when you get those manly urges ... just gotta KILL something. Fix things ... a cook outdoors ...
Shang:
What's your name?
Mulan:
uh...um...uh...
Chi Fu:
Your commanding officer just asked you a question!
Mulan:
I've got a name ... and it's a boy's name, too.
Mushu:
Ling! How 'bout Ling?
Mulan:
(to Mushu) HIS name is Ling.
Shang:
I didn't ask for HIS name, I asked for yours!
Mushu:
Uh ... Ah-chu!
Mulan:
Ah-chu!
Shang:
AH-CHU?!
Mushu:
Gesuintit! Hee hee ... I kill myself.
Mulan:
Mushu ...
Shang:
MUSHU?
Mulan:
No.
Shang:
Then WHAT is it?!
Mushu:
Ping! Ping was my best friend growing up.
Mulan:
It's Ping.
Shang:
Ping.
Mushu:
'Course, Ping did steal my girl--
Mulan:
Yes. My name is Ping.
Shang:
Let me see your conscription notice. [Mulan hands the scroll to him.] Fa Zhou? THE Fa Zhou?
Chi Fu:
I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son.
Mulan:
Er, he ... doesn't talk about me much. [She attempts to spit, but fails miserably.]
Chi Fu:
I can see why. The boy's an absolute lunatic! (Laughter)
Shang:
Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. Tomorrow, the real work begins.
Grumbling
Mushu:
You know, we have to work on your people skills.
Inside Mulan's tent
Mushu picks up Crickee and uses him for an alarm clock.
Mushu:
All right, rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! C'mon, hup, hup, hup!
Mulan pulls the blanket over her, and Mushu pulls it off.
Mushu:
Get your clothes on, get ready! Got breakfast ready. Look, you get porridge! And it's happy to see you!
Crickee is resting happily in the bowl of porridge, Mushu uses chopsticks to fish him out.
Mushu:
Hey, get out of there! You're gonna make people sick!
Mulan:
Am I late?
Mushu:
[stuffs porridge in her mouth] No time to talk. Now, remember, it's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher and no fighting, play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, the other kids want to fight, then you gotta kick the other kid's butt.
Mulan:
But I don't want to kick the other kids' butts.
Mushu:
Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face.
Mulan looks at Mushu, her mouth full of porridge.
Mushu:
Oh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. C'mon, scare me, girl!
Mulan:
Rrrrraaaaarrrgggghhhhh!
Mushu:
That's my tough looking warrior! That's what I'm talking about! Now, get out there and make me proud!
Khan neighs frantically
Mushu:
What do you mean, the troops just left?
Mulan:
They WHAT? [She rushes out of the tent]
Mushu:
Wait, you forgot your sword! [sniffs] My little baby, off to destroy people ...
Chi Fu:
Order! People, order!
Soldier:
I'd like a pan-fried noodle!
Chien Po:
Sweet and pungent shrimp.
Chi Fu:
That's not funny.
Ling:
Looks like our new friend slept in this morning. Why, hello, Ping, Are ya hungry?
Yao:
Yeah, cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich.
Shang:
Soldiers! You will assemble swiftly and silently, every morning. Anyone who does otherwise, will answer to me.
He takes off his shirt, and Mulan stares in awe.
Yao:
Ooh, tough guy.
Shang:
[pulls out a bow and arrow and aims it at Yow, then at the top of a high pole in the middle of the camp.] Yow. Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow.
Yao:
I'll get that arrow, pretty boy, and I'll do it with my shirt on. [He walks over to the pole and prepares to climb up it.]
Shang:
One moment, you seem to be missing something. [He pulls two giant medals out of a box.] This represents disipline. And this represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow. [He ties them around Yao's wrists, and all the soldiers after him, and none of them can make it to the arrow.]
Shang:
We've got a long way to go.
Beginning of "I'll Make a Man Out of You."
Shang:
Let's get down to business
To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met, but you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
Out of you.

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
You are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot
And you can bet before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man out of you.
Chien Po:
I'm never gonna catch my breath
Yao:
Say good-bye to those who knew me
Ling:
Boy I was a fool in school for cutting gym
Mushu:
This guy's got 'em scared to death
Mulan:
I hope he doesn't see right through me
Chien Po:
Now I really wish that I knew how to swim(Be a man)
We must be swift as a coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

Time is racing t'ward us
Till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order
And you might survive
You're unsuited for the rage of war
So pack up, go home, you're through
How could I make a man out of you

(Be a man)
We must be swift as a coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as a coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!
Shan Yu cuts the top off a tree. The hawk flies overhead and drops a small doll. Shan Yu jumps down from the tree and throws the doll to one of the Huns.

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