This Time

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

This Time

This time, I’m falling in love with my eyes wide open, unafraid.

It’s a beautiful feeling, free of unrealistic expectations of idealistic perfection. In the past, I’d worn my rose-tinted glasses like an armor. Through them, I could neither see who I was truly falling for nor allow them to truly see me. I fell in love with who might as well have been strangers, and let them make me into their mirrors until the image inevitably shattered.

But this time it’s different.

I’m not wearing rose-tinted glasses, and all my shields are down. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable, to be seen. I’m not creating myself in his image, twisting the facts of my story to fit what he wants to hear.

For the first time, I’m being unapologetically me. And maybe that’s only because I’ve finally spent long enough on my own, working on myself, that I no longer have the energy to play make-believe. I want something real, and the only way to find something real is to honestly be real. I know this now.

 And maybe I know I’m going to be okay either way. I have people who know me and love me. People who I can easily and happily share a life with. I’ve learned not to pin all my dreams on a single person or relationship. I’ve learned at the end of the day, it matters much less whether I have someone to go to bed with and much more whether I feel known, loved, safe when the lights are off and I close my eyes. I’m not alone, and I never have to be.

Or maybe for the first time, I’m falling in love with the right guy. The kind of guy who makes me feel safe and understood, appreciated and admired. The kind of guy who makes authenticity easy, who brushes away my worries and doubts. 

Maybe it’s all of these things at once.

Maybe it’s still too soon to tell.

But I do know this:

This time, I’m ready.

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