Letter for My Biggest Fear

Thursday, April 30, 2015


Letter to My Biggest Fear
(I’m finally letting you go.)

Dear R.,

For the past two years, I’ve been terrified of you. I’ve replayed our last conversation in my head, heard your threats as loud and clear as when you spoke them.

We didn’t end things well.

I’ve exhausted all the details of how we got to that ending. I’ve written about it directly and indirectly for two years, never addressing you personally. Though I doubt you’ll ever read it, I felt like addressing you would be perceived as an invitation, and I don’t want you in my life. I’m still reconstructing myself from the mess that was made with you.

And yes, I will admit that I was just as much to blame for my destruction. For that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t truthful with you. I’m sorry I hid myself from you as much as possible. I’m sorry I left without an explanation. I’m sorry I gave up on you so quickly. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the chance you wanted.

But mostly I’m sorry for how my actions made you feel. If anything at all. We haven’t spoken since that last, horrible conversation when you threatened to take away something I loved. I wanted you out of my life, and I did everything I could to make sure it happened.

I destroyed everything I loved to escape you, and then I disappeared.

We left things unfinished, unresolved. I was more focused on the escaping instead of the ending, and as a result, I’ve only felt like I’ve spent the past two years running away from you, hiding from you, instead of letting you go.

What you took away from me was hard to let go of. It was hard to forgive myself. It still is.

And that’s the truth of my fear.

Though I told people you were dangerous, manipulative, vindictive, traumatizing. Though I kept your name a secret from anyone who might have a connection to you, fearful that you might show up some day and wreck my life all over again…

I realize now it wasn’t you I was truly afraid of. Instead, I was afraid of becoming you. 

I destroyed everything I loved just to get away from you. And I’ve spent the past two years beating myself up for it, terrified of what that says about me.

Because it’s exactly something I would assume you would do. Over and over and over again, destroying everything you claim to love for your own selfish gain.

But that stops now. It’s been two years. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I don’t believe you are either. I think it’s safe to assume we have both grown tremendously from our experience. 

So now, I’m forgiving you, and at the same time I’m releasing myself from my fear. I forgive you for your part in my destruction, and I forgive myself for mine. I realize now making mistakes is part of being human, and we both made plenty, but that’s okay. We’ve learned. We’ve grown.

And wherever you are, I wish you well. 

I hope we don’t cross paths again, but I still wish you the very best. I hope your dreams come true. I hope you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. And I hope you are loved, genuinely and truly loved for everything you are. Because despite your flaws, you are still worth loving. Everyone is. I hope you know this now.

Thank you for the experiences I needed to grow. You’ll always have a place in my memories.

Best Wishes,


Kayla

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