Letter for the Healing Healer

Thursday, July 30, 2015


Letter for the Healing Healer

Dear J.,

I debated for months whether I should include you in this letter series. I didn’t want to admit the important role you played in my life, but whether I want to admit it or not, you did. You see, I have a bad habit of being the hero for everyone else when I should be learning how to be my own. I distract myself from dealing with my internal drama by becoming much too involved in someone else’s. External experiences mirror the internal, and lessons are repeated until they are learned. So the timing of our meeting makes perfect sense.

The night I met you, you weren’t okay. Before my best friend introduced us, he warned me not to try to be your hero. Knowing my bad habit, he asked me to please just be your friend. Not your hero.

But I didn’t listen. Not being your hero would mean I would have to be mine, and I didn’t know how to do that yet. I didn’t know how to save myself. I didn’t yet believe I could be saved. So I tried to save you instead in the only way I knew how. But you didn’t let me. You walked away, and found a hero in someone else. And months later, when I asked you to save me after I had too much to drink, you walked away again. And in doing so, you forced me to do what I should have done from the start: you forced me to be my own hero and save myself.

And so I can’t blame you for the wreck I made of my life after you entered it. I can’t blame you for losing my best friend, though sometimes I wanted to. I can’t blame you for walking away when I really wished you would have stayed. Instead, I can only thank you for showing up and getting me to learn the lesson I’d been avoiding for too long. So thank you. I’m grateful for you. 

I want you to know that I think you are an incredible person. You are loving and kind and gentle in a world that is hard, and greedy, and cruel. You aren’t afraid to dream and feel with your whole heart, which is truly inspiring. I genuinely enjoyed getting to know you and spending time with you, and I wish I could have been mature enough to be your friend, but I couldn’t. And I’m sorry for that. 

I wish you the greatest happiness and love in your life. Always.

With love,


Kayla

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