Solid Ground

Saturday, October 01, 2016


Solid Ground 


A lot has happened since my last post.

So much, in fact, that trying to fit it all in one post is overwhelming to the point of impossible. 

And I don’t believe in impossible.

So for the sake of my sanity, I’m going to stick with getting to the point:

I’m back.

I’ve missed this. I’ve missed the sharing of random stories. I’ve missed the writing. I’ve even missed the staring at the blank page until my thoughts quiet enough for the words to pour out of me.

Many times, I’ve written a post, only to let it sit in my word processor unpublished.  Many more times, I’ve written half a post, and left the rest completely unfinished.

Yes, I fully intended to commit this year. I fully intended to get my shit together, and stop flaking out when things get rough or scary or uncomfortable or—the most dreadful of all—uncertain. But instead I found myself a tad too attached to the last story I posted. I kinda liked the idea of my last post being about my commitment issues. I kinda liked the poetic irony of abandoning my blog, broadcasting my failure to commit without ever saying a word.

It made quite a story.

But every story has a theme, and I’ve finally reached the point where I want my theme to be something bigger than a fear of commitment. 

A few months ago, a close friend voiced an interest in cultivating self-awareness as a stepping stone to self-improvement. Ordinarily, I would have lit up at this kind of proposition, and eagerly expressed my encouragement. But this time, I felt my chest constrict and my eyes bulge as I vehemently shook my head and said:

“Don’t. Stay in denial for as long as you can. Because once you’re on this path, there’s no turning back.”

At the time, I was in the midst of my first yoga teacher training, which consisted of incredibly long days spent seeping in self-awareness and rocket-launching into self-improvement. I was completely ill-prepared for all the changes taking place in my life, both internal and external. I felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the ocean and forced to find my own way to shore. 

I was overwhelmed.

I was terrified.

I still am.


But here I am anyway. Filling up the blank page, writing a new story, finishing what I started.

Committing.

I’m making a different choice this time, though. Instead of floating in the ocean, remaining stagnant and frozen in my fear, I’m choosing to swim.


So that one day I may find myself on solid ground again.

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