Is Love a Choice?

Sunday, December 28, 2014

it's possible to love more than one person at once. We do it all the time. But at some point, we must make a choice.





What does it really mean to love?


Yesterday, I spent the day re-watching the Twilight saga movies with my best friend and favorite person in the world.

During the third movie-book (Eclipse), Jacob (the werewolf best friend), makes the argument that it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time. My best friend disagreed with this statement.

“If you truly loved the first person, you would have never fallen in love with the second,” he said.

“But what about us?” I asked.

“That’s different.”

“How?”

This is my relationship with my best friend:

We have a mutual respect for honesty (even when it's uncomfortable), and a solid foundation of trust. We both have a love for art in all it's various forms, and enjoy spending time together. I will gladly be the surrogate mother for the children he’s going to raise with his future husband. Also, he’s definitely going to be my Maid of Honor in my wedding (if I decide to have one). He’s my person. We both know we can call each other if we should ever commit murder and need help disposing of the body. In fact, we’ll probably be there to help each other commit said murder. We accept and love each other unconditionally. 

This is my relationship with my future husband:

We have a mutual respect for honesty (even when it's uncomfortable), and a solid foundation of trust. We both have a love for art in all it's various forms, and enjoy spending time together. I’m going to be the mother of his children. He’s my person. I know he’ll have my back no matter what, and I know I’ll have his as well. I get along with his family/friends and he gets along really well with mine. We can tell each other anything and everything without fear of judgement. We accept and love each other unconditionally. And the sex is amazing.


I expect more from my romantic relationships than from my friendships, though not much. But that’s how romantic relationships work. We automatically expect more from our romantic relationships than from our friendships.

Why?

Because in romantic relationships there’s the element of choice. Out of the billions of people in this world, you are choosing one person to build a life with, to start a family with, to be your partner in this crazy thing called life. You are choosing to go to bed every night with one person and wake up in the morning with that one person. As humans, we aren’t wired to be monogamous. We aren’t wired for exclusivity. But we make the choice because the payoffs are worth it in the end. In the end, we have a person to raise children with us, to help support us emotionally, physically, and financially, to build a life with as a team, and to hold our hand and remind us we are loved as we are on our deathbed. 

In the end, we have one person we know for sure we can count on, always to love and be loved by.

But love is love. Monogamy and exclusivity are a choice. 

Which is why I believe Jacob was right in Eclipse: Bella does love Edward and Jacob equally. But she made the choice to love Edward exclusively.

It’s possible to love more than one person at a time. We do it all the time.

But (unless we're polyamorous, of course) in the end we must make a choice. And it’s a choice we make as the ultimate expression of love.

But love itself is not always choice.

Love is always love and in the end that's all that really matters. 

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