18
Growing up, I used to dream about my eighteenth birthday.
I imagined an exhilarating burst of freedom, and the ability to walk out of the door to my parents’ house and never look back. I thought turning 18 would make me an official adult, which would finally mean making my own decisions.
So, when the day finally came, I wanted to do something big.
There were many different factors involving my decision to drive to Dallas for my birthday. For one, it was where my best friend had moved the year before, and my birthday wouldn’t be complete without my best friend.
Then there was Neverland, my boyfriend at the time. Neverland and I were introduced by my best friend a few weeks before when we ran into her boyfriend, Jack-in-the-Box, at the mall. Jack-in-the-Box and Neverland were best friends as well, and naturally wherever Jack-in-the-Box went, Neverland went too. Mostly because Neverland was Jack-in-the-Box’s ride for the night, but that’s not the important part.
The important part was that while Jack-in-the-box and my best friend snuggled in a secluded space in a park we all ventured to, Neverland and I found a space of our own, and got to know each other. Three days later, we were an official couple, deluded into thinking it was love-at-first-sight and would last forever.
But the cynicism wouldn’t come until much later.
At the time, our happy bubble of new love was excited for my eighteenth birthday, and wanted to make the eight hour drive to Dallas to spend the weekend with my best friend. I would drive, Neverland would navigate from the passenger side, and Jack-in-the-Box would supply occasionally entertaining conversation from the backseat.
I’d never driven farther than Austin before, and never on my own. I had my phone GPS, an address, and a map which my grandmother gave us when we stopped in Austin (the halfway point) for a bowl of birthday stew. But I wasn’t nervous. Neverland sang to me the whole way up, replaying Bruno Mars’ Just the Way You Are several times. I was smiling so much, I’m surprised my cheeks didn’t fall off.
We made it to Dallas just before midnight. My best friend was still at work, so we went to pick her up. Jack-in-the-Box wrote his number on a scrap of paper and stuck it to the window of her work, pretending to be a creepy stranger. We saw her laugh and shake her head, and before long she had joined us.
It had been a cold winter, and snow still capped the roofs of many of the houses. I remember being mesmerized by the sight. I’d lived in Texas all my life, and very rarely ever experienced real snow.
My best friend was a master chef, so after a quick run to the local grocery store (Neverland bought a random gallon of milk because “It’s only a dollar here!”), she made us dinner. I don’t remember what it was. Pancakes? Or Grilled Cheese? Or perhaps TED Sandwiches (grilled cheese as buns with a bacon cheeseburger patty, and two bbq chicken strips)? Whatever we ate, I’m sure it was delicious.
After dinner, Neverland gave me my surprise birthday gift: he had written me a song. He used my best friend’s guitar to play it for me, and I cried tears of joy at the beauty of it. It still remains one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.
I’m sure we watched a movie or drove around recklessly or something. We were much too young and wild to go to bed at a decent hour. But I don’t remember the rest. I remember the song, and I remember falling asleep that night on the air mattress on the floor at the top of the staircase with Neverland, our bodies intertwined.
My eighteenth birthday was everything I could have hoped it would be. There was laughter, love, great food, amazing fun, the perfect gift, and even snow.
But most importantly, the day I turned 18, I was free.
They’re surrounded.
Colin is used to finding himself in complicated and dangerous situations, but he usually has the upper-hand. For one, he typically puts himself in those situations, knowing how to get out of them. For another, he’s never had a complicated and difficult recruit to look after while in the dangerous situation.
The odds aren’t in Colin’s favor this time.
He immediately presses the panic button he always keeps with him during missions. Harlem will send someone as soon as he receives the alert, and he’ll just have to hope it isn’t Lydia. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so insane that Lydia could be a part of this mess in the first place.
Colin and Emmalee are both pinned by the strong, dark figures who burst into the room when another one walks calmly in. It’s too dark for Colin to make out any distinguishable features other than the figure is obviously male, and walks with an assured posture straight toward Emmalee.
“Emma, darling,” the man says with a thick British accent, grazing Emmalee’s face with his fingertips.
Colin notices that she flinches like she’s been burned at his touch, and does her best not to look at him. Who is he? How does he know her? How could Harlem not warn him about this? He tries to detach himself from the people keeping him pinned, and fails. He won’t be getting out of here on his own.
“And you, Colin Timothy Brice, or Agent Brice if you prefer. Yes, I know exactly who you are. I don’t suppose you have any grand ideas of rescue, and I wouldn’t suggest you start,” the man says, turning to Colin.
“Who the hell are you?” Colin asks. “And what do you want?”
The man laughs slightly, but nothing about this situation is particularly funny. Where’s Lydia? Colin couldn’t get rid of her earlier, and now when he actually needs her help, she’s nowhere to be found? What is going on?
The man walks back over to Emmalee.
“Well, I’m Emmalee’s father. Or didn’t she tell you?” he says. “Take them to the car. We must leave quickly now.”
And then, Colin feels a needle prick the skin on his neck, and everything goes black.
Emmalee doesn’t sleep.
She can’t. Not with the threat of danger looming over her. She doesn’t think Colin knows why she’s been running for so long. Surely, if he knew, they wouldn’t be staying at this same hotel for another night. Surely, they’d be long gone by now.
Like she would be if she wasn’t stuck here. The last thing she needed was an agency tracking her down to kill her. Colin had found her too many times for her to think she could elude him for long.
She made her choice. Now she had to deal with it.
Emmalee turns over on the bed, and sighs.
“Go to sleep,” Colin mumbles from the bed across from her.
“Where’s Lydia?” Emmalee asks.
Lydia still hasn’t returned from wherever she ran off to.
“Who cares?” Colin says.
Emmalee sits up and stares at the silhouette of Colin’s form sprawled out on the bed. He didn’t even bother to get under the covers. She wonders how long it took him to fall asleep. She hasn’t been paying attention. She’s been more focused on the sounds coming from the broken window, and the occasional footsteps outside the hotel door.
“I do.”
Colin snorts, but the sound is muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into.
“I’m serious,” Emmalee says. “Where is she?”
Before Colin can respond, the window shatters behind her, and the door busts open in front of her. Emmalee barely has time to scream before one dark-suited silhouette after another come storming into the room. Colin snaps himself awake in an instant, but it’s too late.
Her safety is officially over.
A fictional interpretation of a song by Avril Lavigne
This is how love works:
We fall in love right at the moment we finally decide we’re independent. We’d rather be alone, but suddenly that’s not an option anymore. Someone comes along and reminds us how beautiful love can feel when we’re falling into it.
That’s what happened with us. We tried to make it on our own, and just when we both thought love could never work, we found each other.
And then we fell in love.
***
Falling in love is simple.
The rose colored glasses make loving each other easy. All the little annoyances are endearing, cute, adorable. Nothing is or ever could be more perfect than our love.
But at some point, we stop falling and we hit the ground, and with it, reality. We realize our love is far from perfect, and become annoyed by the little things.
Our love takes a turn from blissfully simple to punishingly difficult.
***
It’s not easy anymore.
I nag too much, and you give me too many reasons to nag. You’ve stopped listening, stopped being eager to please. I’ve stopped being patient, and my expectations are too high.
Before you, I would check out at this point. Once it became too difficult, I would find a way to escape. I’d take the first exit out of the relationship.
But not with you.
You are worth the fight.
***
We deserve better than this.
We deserve bliss. So please, don’t be afraid to tell me to just shut up whenever I get too tough on you. Kiss me instead. It’s going to take the both of us to win this battle. Love is only easy when we’re falling, but we’ve got two feet on the ground now, and it’s time to start walking through this journey of life together.
Hand-in-hand, when push comes to shove, it’s going to take the both of us.
So let’s go.
“What’s the deal with the recruit?” Colin asks.
He hears Harlem grunt on the other line. He was probably sleeping, but Colin hardly has time to care. Somebody tried to break in and possibly steal his recruit. It’s possible the intentions were harmless, or even that Lydia created this mess just to make things more difficult for him. But there’s definitely something or someone after Emmalee that Colin needs to know about.
“Colin, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Go to bed,” Harlem says. “Or better yet, why don’t you finish your job?”
“That’s the problem, Harlem. How can I be expected to do my job when I don’t have all the information?”
“What more could you possibly need? You have enough to recruit, and that’s your job. Or have you forgotten already? I thought you said you wouldn’t have a problem with this girl. Do I need to assign you to another case because I can do that?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Then why are you calling me?”
“Because the mission was compromised. Somebody tried to break into the hotel room, and our shining recruit’s first instinct was to hide in the cupboard! I don’t think she’s been changing identities for the thrill. I think she’s been running from something, and I need to know what.”
“If I tell you I’ll look into it, can I go back to bed?”
“Thank you, Harlem. You won’t be disappointed.”
“I sure hope not.”
Harlem hangs up and Colin returns to the room with Emmalee. She already cleaned up the glass on the floor, and attempted to cover the hole with a sheet of foil. She jumps slightly when Colin enters the room, though, as if she’s still terrified it might be whatever took away her choice, and forced her to run. That’s what she said, wasn’t it? She didn’t have a choice. Running and hiding in someone else’s life was her only option in life.
But who or what is forcing her to run?
It’s time for Colin to find out.
A fictional interpretation of a song by Miley Cyrus
Her hands in the air above her head, red dress hugging tightly to her curves, his leather jacket around her shoulders, she thinks:
We can’t stop. We won’t stop. This night will last forever.
***
Three hours earlier and she was sitting on the beach in front of the flickering flame of a fire. Her best friend is laughing across from her. It’s the first time she’s laughed all night.
Her boyfriend broke up with her earlier that day in the parking lot of the sundae shop they went to after school.
Somebody passes around a bottle of something much stronger than they’re all used to, and they all take a long, heavy sip. She coughs, and the boy next to her puts his arm around her, his leather jacket rubbing against the bare skin on her shoulder. She leans into him. It’s been a long time since someone held her. She knows what he wants, though.
But she has the power to decide whether she gives it or not.
***
Now on a dance floor crowded with people, he’s nowhere in sight.
She’s dancing with her best friend, and neither one of them can remember the last time they had a coherent thought. But somehow they made it here. How long have they been here? How long will they stay?
Does it matter?
***
One mission:
His house. The ex-boyfriend of her best friend has a girl over, she knows it. They must stop whatever is going to happen, must get to him before he ruins everything.
Should they be driving?
Probably not. But they’re past the point of perception and rationality.
His leather jacket has disappeared from her shoulders, though she can’t remember taking it off. The only thing on her mind is her best friend shouting in her ear turn here, turn here.
But there isn’t a turn.
There’s only a red light, and a car stopped that neither of them were coherent enough to see.
They come to a slamming halt, and disappear into the blackness.
***
We can’t stop.
We won’t stop.
This night will last forever.
But not in the way she thought.
What does it really mean to love?
Yesterday, I spent the day re-watching the Twilight saga movies with my best friend and favorite person in the world.
During the third movie-book (Eclipse), Jacob (the werewolf best friend), makes the argument that it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time. My best friend disagreed with this statement.
“If you truly loved the first person, you would have never fallen in love with the second,” he said.
“But what about us?” I asked.
“That’s different.”
“How?”
This is my relationship with my best friend:
We have a mutual respect for honesty (even when it's uncomfortable), and a solid foundation of trust. We both have a love for art in all it's various forms, and enjoy spending time together. I will gladly be the surrogate mother for the children he’s going to raise with his future husband. Also, he’s definitely going to be my Maid of Honor in my wedding (if I decide to have one). He’s my person. We both know we can call each other if we should ever commit murder and need help disposing of the body. In fact, we’ll probably be there to help each other commit said murder. We accept and love each other unconditionally.
This is my relationship with my future husband:
We have a mutual respect for honesty (even when it's uncomfortable), and a solid foundation of trust. We both have a love for art in all it's various forms, and enjoy spending time together. I’m going to be the mother of his children. He’s my person. I know he’ll have my back no matter what, and I know I’ll have his as well. I get along with his family/friends and he gets along really well with mine. We can tell each other anything and everything without fear of judgement. We accept and love each other unconditionally. And the sex is amazing.
I expect more from my romantic relationships than from my friendships, though not much. But that’s how romantic relationships work. We automatically expect more from our romantic relationships than from our friendships.
Why?
Because in romantic relationships there’s the element of choice. Out of the billions of people in this world, you are choosing one person to build a life with, to start a family with, to be your partner in this crazy thing called life. You are choosing to go to bed every night with one person and wake up in the morning with that one person. As humans, we aren’t wired to be monogamous. We aren’t wired for exclusivity. But we make the choice because the payoffs are worth it in the end. In the end, we have a person to raise children with us, to help support us emotionally, physically, and financially, to build a life with as a team, and to hold our hand and remind us we are loved as we are on our deathbed.
In the end, we have one person we know for sure we can count on, always to love and be loved by.
But love is love. Monogamy and exclusivity are a choice.
Which is why I believe Jacob was right in Eclipse: Bella does love Edward and Jacob equally. But she made the choice to love Edward exclusively.
It’s possible to love more than one person at a time. We do it all the time.
But (unless we're polyamorous, of course) in the end we must make a choice. And it’s a choice we make as the ultimate expression of love.
But love itself is not always choice.
Love is always love and in the end that's all that really matters.
A fictional interpretation of a song by Queen
He never intended to rush into things.
It was just the way life happened sometimes, especially when it came to his love life. When he fell in love, he fell hard and fast, and only later with his heart in pieces did he take the time to see who, exactly, he had fallen for.
But by then, of course, it was too late.
***
The first girl he ever truly loved stayed with him for six whole months.
Then, she slept with his best friend.
One week later, he was talking to a new girl.
I think we should wait, she said. I don’t think we should move so fast. You just broke up with your first love…
Three days later, and another girl showed up to talk. When he put his arm around her, she didn’t laugh or turn away.
She wouldn’t make him wait.
***
They rushed headlong into love with each other.
She told herself she used to have high standards, never talking to a guy who still talked about his ex. But he was different, worth it.
He was most excited that he wouldn’t have to wait. He used to hold his stick in his hands, and now it belonged to her.
There was nothing that could be done to convince them this was a bad idea.
Nothing at all to keep them from falling headlong.
***
It didn’t take long for them to hit the ground.
The impact came with a crushing reality. It wasn’t love that had propelled them forward, toward a life neither of them was ready for. They had rushed into nothing but a fantasy.
Perhaps if they were wiser they would know where they went wrong. They would be able to point at themselves and say maybe we shouldn’t have fallen headlong into something too strong, too soon.
But give them a week or possibly two, and they’ll be right back to falling fast and hard for somebody new.
Emmalee hasn’t escaped.
When the rock came flying through the window, she knew exactly who had thrown it. She didn’t even have to look or wait to make sure. She just reacted.
And that’s how she ended up hiding in the cupboard above the refrigerator in the hotel room. It’s just barely large enough to fit her, but it wouldn’t be the first time she had to find a way to contort her body to hide from her past.
Now, she pushes open the cupboard door with her foot and slowly inches herself out. Crouching on the fridge, she gazes around the room to make sure it’s empty. She climbs down right as Colin and Lydia burst into the room.
“What the—” Lydia says.
“Hell,” Colin finishes for her. “What the hell are you doing?”
Emmalee isn’t sure how to answer. Do they not know about her past? If they don’t, there’s no reason for her to inform them. But how could they not know? It’s the entire reason she’s spent her life escaping, and isn’t that why they want to recruit her?
“Somebody tried to break in,” Emmalee says.
“So you hid?” Colin asks.
Lydia scoffs. “Some recruit.”
“Shut up, Lydia,” Colin says.
Lydia puts her hands up in mock-surrender, and begins to walk out of the room.
“I’ll wait outside,” she says.
She closes the door behind her, and Emmalee is suddenly terrified. She thought Colin was the harmless one, but now she isn’t so sure. Especially given the angry look on his face.
“Well?” Colin asks.
“Well, what?”
“Why did you hide?”
“Because it seemed like the best idea at the time. What else was I supposed to do?”
“Wait for me? Fight? Anything more productive than hiding!”
“Well, I didn’t know hiding was such a bad idea. Now I do.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Colin sighs.
“I have some phone calls to make. Can I trust you to stay in sight?” he asks.
Emmalee nods. He steps out the door with his phone already pressed to his ear. Emmalee walks to the window, careful not to step on the broken glass. She’ll be safe for tonight.
But she won’t stay safe for long.